Leaving No Room

 OCTOBER 8, 2017

     I’ve been struggling. I laugh because that word doesn’t even begin to describe how I’ve felt over these past 4 or 5 weeks. Now that I know how things will most likely be for the next 2 ½ months, my mind has begun its work. I have prayed and continue to pray for God to help me to be a servant (another blog comin’ for all of that) and to embrace all of what servanthood entails. But as I will dive into soon, somewhere in these past 2 or so weeks I have begun to lose control of my reactions and thoughts.

     Let me give a little context, because it’s très important. Little things that the host parents would say to me would be left open in my mind to be twisted, where I would make the worst interpretations of them. My world became revolved around what they were thinking about me, how they were criticizing me, and what they would say next. But what I hadn’t realized was that I’ve let myself become so self-centered that the things happening directly to me became EVERYTHING, and I was blinded to any other perspective. And I’ve tried many things. But thinking realistically became harder and harder, to the point where I’ve just wanted to pack my things and leave, looking back at all of this with bitterness.

SO, WHAT HAS HAPPENED?????

     It all began when I met up with another au-pair whom I had never met before, and we just clicked. We spent the evening together, and overlooking the beautiful lake in Geneva and the Jet d’Eau, she encouraged me that I can’t let these people control my experience. And this just pierced me, because that’s EXACTLY what I had been doing. Sometimes it’s people whom you’ve just met, saying the simplest things that make the biggest impact. I CAN’T LET THIS NEGATIVITY CONTROL ME.

Reflecting upon what my new friend had said, the next day I realized that I had let the devil control my thoughts. The negative interactions that I felt were constant were all-consuming, and not only wearing me down but leaving me completely exhausted. BUT it was me who was leaving my mind open for the devil to just run off with them!

And God just said STOP! This is NOT the life you are supposed to live. Psalms 46 says:

“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way…”

     I bolded this certain portion because our world DOES give way, sets us up to fear, and worry, and stress. This Psalmist KNEW this would happen because of our fallen world. So, it should be no surprise to me that the world is putting these things at me, but God says He is EVER-PRESENT in this. And He’s in control. The realization of God actually in control hit me hard, but honestly made me doubt and be a little angry. God, if you’re in control, WHY is this SO excruciatingly hard?!?!?!? But I didn’t realize that me allowing these twisted thoughts to control me was ME. MY sin. This was NOT part of God’s intended life for me, although He will use it for His and my good.

So, what’s the next step? I pray:

“God, take ALL of the space in my mind, soul, heart and body. Fill it completely, leaving no room for me, the devil, or others to create negativity. Simply: BE EVERYTHING.”

     Just deciding to not let the world and its people and situations control me is so FREEING. I can choose to just HAVE all that I need from Him and not be relying on other people (so unreliable). *WAIT* but it’s not that easy. YEAH IT’S NOT! I am on like the first baby step on level zero, but what a WORLD of a difference it has made. I had been telling myself: “keep your head down and do your job, not letting these things bother you”. But now, I can put my head UP because I can FACE any person or situation without fear because I know that they can’t and won’t control me.

This is all new to me, so just because God is speaking to me doesn’t mean it’s just gonna roll out like butter. It will take practice and training to have this mindset. But having faith in God’s power and love is the only thing that could get me through this sanely, and I thank Him for that.

“I hold my feet from every evil way, in order to keep thy word” -Psalms 119:101

*DISCLAIMER*

In case you don’t see the date ^, this was a solid 10 days ago. And as you will find, things change in big ways and QUICKLY here. SO, a newer, more recent blog will be coming shortly that’s more representative of what’s going on now. Nevertheless, this portion described above is so essential to things that have developed since, and I knew that it had to be posted because it shows how God moves and works. 

And for a little humor, just look at my face. BUT it's looking up and facing the world...